Crush of the Week: EVOL

ben Johnson Evol

 

EVOL

I live in a flat that has an intense electrocuted tap situation going on. You’ll touch the tap and it gives you a quite savage electric shock, and it’s really horrible. Apparently it is something to do with this busted old heated towel rail. Some kind of circuitry gone awry. It’s bad. It makes people freak out and ask you why you are living this way. Sometimes the water itself gets electrocuted. Yes. The other night I ran a bath and tried to get in, but I could not, because there was electricity in the water and it felt like it would probably kill me. It feels like it is going to kill someone, at some point. Things reached a crisis point this morning, I guess, when I went to turn on the tap to brush my teeth and the shock was so hard that I banged my head on the bathroom mirror. For God’s sake. The only way to not get shocked, obviously, is to put on shoes with rubber soles. So I go in my room to get some shoes, but I can only find one. This is no problem, I think. I will just stand on one leg.

So I am standing there on one leg brushing my teeth and washing my face and kind of swearing cos I can still feel the shock a bit, and the following thought flashes into my head: This is either a total peak high point of your life, or it is one of the lowest. This is either a ridiculous and pathetic situation, or it is the situation befitting an absolute legend. Am I the worst or, as I occasionally suspect, the best? Is it possible to be both? Probably that’s what is going on here.

The next thing I thought, obviously, was EVOL. Evol was the electrocuted tap situation on a grand scale. It was the worst place I had ever been to, and also the best. It made people freak out and ask themselves why they were living this way. It felt like it was going to kill someone, at some point. You’d take measures to protect yourself, but the shock would get you in the end. It was very weird and electric and gross, and so, so, so much fun.

 

************************CRUSH OF THE WEEK************************

 

Ben Johnson Evol

 

Name: Evol

Age: 13

Family: None. You know in Yelp reviews, where people talk about a place being “family-friendly”? Evol was the most family unfriendly place in the world. Actively hostile to families, I would say. Contemptuous of that whole vibe.

Star sign: SCORPIO. Obviously. Hanging out with a Scorpio is like making best friends with a crocodile (this is the specific crocodile I have in mind). You and the crocodile are having an amazing time. It’s taking you for rides on its back, you guys are going to the movies, you’re turning up to parties and scaring the shit out of everyone. Best. The only problem is, all your friends are going But it’s a crocodile. And you are like I see literally no problem with this situation. Your friends: It’s a CROCODILE. You: Crocodiles are incredible. And it just sort of goes on like that for ages. Obviously Evol was a Scorpio.

Likes: Fun

Dislikes: Ironic distance

Favourite Food: Wow. NONE.

Favourite Colour: Checked floor.

Trivia: This girl Amy* once told me the following anecdote: “I remember doing line after line with Kath* in the bathroom and telling her how much everyone hated her. I just went on about it for like half an hour. She later found me puking helplessly in that same bathroom. I’d left the door open, and she just leaned against the doorframe and smiled. That’s the wheel of justice for you, I guess.” This is a very mild Evol story, but there is something sort of perfect about it. Amy* told me this story with actual tears in her eyes, and an expression of misty fondness, like she was describing the birth of a child.

There was once an Evol on literal Christmas.

*Names changed to protect the fact that, despite what Evol would have had us believe, Class A drugs are illegal.

Favourite Movie: Any movie where every single person dies at the end.

Smoking Y/N: There is this great bit in Money, where the narrator goes “I lit another¬†cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another¬†cigarette.‚Äù Like that. Being at Evol was like living inside a cigarette. It was like moving to a¬†country where the national food was cigarettes, and there is just a big cigarette on the flag.

Drinking Y/N: You bet.

Celebrity Crush: Rasputin. If you need me to explain why, then you shouldn’t even be reading this.

Most Memorable Holiday: A guided Rasputin tour of Russia, where Evol just gets to sit at the back of the bus and flick cigarettes at people’s heads and drink bathtub gin.

Favourite Season: It never really cared about stuff like that, but sometimes it used to happen that the ceiling itself would get all sweaty. You’d lean against the walls and they’d just be dripping, sort of like being in a very hot cave. This sounds, and in fact was, very disgusting, but it was also the best. I think that what I am trying to say is that Evol had its own weather system. They should have done an episode of Planet Earth about it.

Favourite Book: Books where every single person dies at the end/biographies about Rasputin (basically the same thing).

Perfect First Date: Making out on those truly hectic black couches.

What is next for Evol: It’s CLOSED. We are all so old now, and we will never have fun again.

 

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. She writes an essay a week at rosalyster.com.

Posters by Ben Johnson.

EVOL is love spelt backwards. It was a¬†Friday¬†night (Saturday¬†morning) party that happened every single week at a club called Hectic on Hope in Cape Town¬†until last week Friday. Nobody (openly) intended on ending up there but always did. I’d like to believe you are familiar with the kind of place I’m talking about because every city has one. Except that they don’t.¬†

 

RIP EVOL

 

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